Submission & Independence - mutually exclusive?

My friend Eliane had an issue with her 'spanking partner' back in October - he described her as 'his sub' and she flipped out as she felt this went against her independent nature. The term submissive held negative connotations for her. This got me thinking about whether being submissive and independent are mutually exclusive of one another?

It seems to me (in my very limited experience!) that it depends entirely on the people involved and the situation. I've read about 24/7 D/s where the submissive has no income or access to money and is entirely dependent on the Dom/me to care and provide for them. At first glance this would seem to be a total surrender of independence but while they may not be living independently they still retain their own thoughts and feelings. Presumably if the situation was no longer agreeable they could choose to reclaim their former life and get a job etc? So ultimately they retain a level of independence - it's just to a lesser degree. After all one has to choose to submit of one's own free will (at least in a healthy relationship!). So if you define independence as 'freedom from control or influence of others' then chosing to restrict your independence could in itself be considered an act of 'independence'. You are doing what fulfils you regardless of society's opinion.

Then at the other end of the scale is me. I would describe myself as very independent - I make my own money, I own my own home (or half of it!) and I know my own mind - I could even be described as opinionated on some topics! No one will ever tell me what to think or how to feel (although a few have tried) - my mind is and always will be my own. However, the sexual side of me is submissive. I very much enjoy being told what to do, how to behave, what to say in a sexual situation... There is something truly pleasurable about surrendering myself to the will of another - it's extremely freeing and satisfying. But I don't believe that being sexually submissive in any way compromises my independence. My submissiveness and my independence are both key pieces of who I am and I would be incomplete if either of them were missing. For me they are not mutually exclusive but integral to one another.

My pleasure in submission comes, in part, from the conflict with my independent side. When given an order part of my mind is already sinking into submissiveness, while another part is saying 'you aren't going to do that are you?'. My desire to submit overcomes my independent nature and there is a deep satisfaction in being able to 'conquer' myself and do what is asked of me. I don't think I'd enjoy it half as much if there wasn't this inner turmoil and conflict. That contrast between submissiveness and independence enriches my life in many ways - for example when sitting in a meeting at work giving an opinion on something important whilst not wearing any underwear because you've been instructed that it is a 'no knickers day'. Or having a heated discussion with a Dom about a vanilla topic (such as politics or world peace) and 5 minutes later being ordered to lie on the kitchen floor and stick a piece of ginger up your arse. One situation adds fire to the other - particularly if you've been telling the Dom he is completely wrong in his opinion...

I don't believe being 'submissive' has made me any less independent and I don't feel any negative connotations about being described as such or being 'owned sexually' by someone else. In a way it has enhanced my independence as I'm now more aware of who I am and what I am / am not prepared to compromise on. Being submissive allows me to truly be myself - what could be more independent than that?

Anyway, I'd love to hear other peoples' thoughts on submission and independence...feel free to totally disagree with me. :) I love to open my mind to other perspectives.

Blogging Virgin

Today is the day I've decided to lose my blogging virginity! I guess I've thought about it for a while but figured that what I had to say would be of no interest to anyone else. Reading my friend Eliane's blog I realised that it would be a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings on BDSM (so thanks for the inspiration Eliane!). Having an outlet is important for me as I am very limited in ways to express this side of myself. So I'm looking on this as a kind of therapy... :)

I guess I should start by introducing myself (just in case anyone actually reads this). My name is Porn Star (it's just a pseudonym!) and I'm a married lady in my thirties. In recent years I've discovered an interest in BDSM - particularly the bondage / domination aspects. Actually, I've always had an interest in BDSM; my earliest childhood fantasies involved bondage, domination and humiliation; but it is only in recent years that I discovered there is a term for it and a whole 'scene' out there.

Unfortunately my husband is not remotely interested in BDSM so I have no real outlet for my kinky side other than writing and talking about it. Over many years I have penned numerous items of erotic fiction but never shared them with anyone. I'm currently working up the courage to post one or two but it is a little daunting! I'm hoping that through blogging I might make some friends with similar interests to talk and philosophise about BDSM with. I'm very broadminded and enjoy talking about all things kinky (and many vanilla subjects too). I have a topic in mind for my first proper post - so watch this space!

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